The New Rules of Engagement

With blessings and thanks to Queen Victoria...I feel it necessary to post this because my own mortality is looking me in the face every day of my life...ever since my grandfather got sick.


My own mortality is coming into question...and some people are worried about all the wrong shit.


So here goes...

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I once heard David Spade or someone like that say a few years back the Internet lets the whole world know you're crazy, versus just a small group of people knowing. This is too true. Unfortunately, psychotics and histrionic personalities rarely consider the consequences of their actions, and are instead only living in the moment. Phrases posted in an LJ reveal volumes about a person, and in most cases are there for the world to see. THE SAME GOES FOR MYSPACE PAGES.

So, here's a couple of rules of engagement...PAY ATTENTION, KIDS.

(1) IF YOUR SIG OTHER IS IN A BAND, DON'T SEND ME MESSAGES TELLING ME TO "STAY AWAY FROM HIM" OR ANYTHING OF THAT NATURE. First of all, it will not work...I will NOT "stay away from him" just because you two happen to be sleeping together. 99.9% of the time, my interest in your "lover" is purely professional...in other words, I'm not interested in fucking him.


For the record, I happen to be VERY picky about whom I sleep with. I'm a CONFIRMED size queen (if he's smaller than 7 inches, I'm not interested...I'll consider 6 inches if he's good with his tongue), and I will ONLY sleep with someone if I'm in a serious relationship with him. I don't care HOW cute he is. I get A LOT of attention from A LOT of men...I VERY RARELY act on it. (Haven't you noticed?) I didn't lose my virginity until I was nearly 26. Seeing how, in 28 years of life, I've only had THREE sexual partners...I've MORE than proven my point).


There is a .1% chance that I WOULD be interested, but 99.9% of THAT time, I will not do anything about it. So, you're wasting your time telling me "Don't sleep with him, he's mine." You make it sound like I was actually GOING to in the first place.


(ALSO FOR THE RECORD, if your sig other happens to be a lead singer, a preppy/pretty boy, a doofus, or all of the above, I'm DEFINITELY not interested. I'd sooner be shot than date someone like that...)


Second, telling me to "stay away from him" makes you sound petty and insecure. YOU have male friends that have nothing to do with HIM...HE has female friends that have nothing to do with YOU (*I* happen to be one of those females). GET A GRIP ON REALITY. If you keep this shit up, he WILL leave you. EVERY GUY I KNOW -- be he married or single, gay or straight, black or white, old or young, from the USA or abroad -- CANNOT TAKE A SIG OTHER WHO IS POSSESSIVE AND OBSESSIVE TO THE POINT OF PSYCHOSIS. I promise you -- if you act like a sadistic slavemaster for long enough, he WILL leave you.

Which brings me to...

(2) DON'T TAKE THE PROBLEMS OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP OUT ON ME. If your husband or boyfriend or fuckbuddy or WHATEVER is cheating on you, that's an issue between YOU TWO. I, for one, respect MYSELF TOO MUCH to simply be "the other woman" -- that's not fair to me, him, OR you. You read that right -- I'M BEING FAIR TO YOU (NOT THAT YOU DESERVE IT). Furthermore, I know what it feels like to be cheated on -- the man I loved more than any other in the WORLD cheated on me, and I can only think of ONE OTHER PAIN that's worse than that (and I went through THAT, too). So, contrary to your baseless accusations -- NO, I AM NOT SLEEPING WITH HIM.


(If I told you how long it's been since I've had sex, you'd croak...)


If I'm a "threat" to you, it's because some part of you KNOWS (even if you don't admit it) that YOU FAILED at YOUR relationship. And maybe if you a. Took better physical care of yourself, b. Stopped being a gold-digger, c. Quit nagging him about EVERYTHING, d. Actually LISTENED to him, and tried to have a relationship with him, instead of forcing him to put you on a pedestal, e. DEFINITELY STOPPED trying to get pregnant, and "trapping" him with a baby that he doesn't want (have you EVER, EVEN ONCE, thought of what shit like that does to a child? Or are you too concerned with YOU, YOU, YOU?), or f. All of the above, you would KNOW that!

(3) DON'T HACK INTO YOUR SIG OTHER'S MYSPACE ACCOUNT AND SEND ME E-MAILS PRETENDING TO BE HIM. Guess what, moron. I know it's not him. I can smell your psycho stench from a mile away. I've been talking him for MUCH longer than I've been talking to you. I know when it's you, and I know when it's him. IP addresses can be tracked...and traced to YOU. Any time you send me a nasty e-mail, I turn it over to the police. It's at the point that if you even THINK of coming near me, you'll be charged with a felony. And guess what else, moron? Not only is it PSYCHOTIC to hack into anyone's ANYTHING account -- MySpace, voicemail, LiveJournal, e-mail -- IT'S ILLEGAL. It's considered STALKING. Is your life really so empty that you need to do this (well, yes, of course it is...duh...)?

And another thing...don't bother playing the "Who, ME?" card. It doesn't work. Everyone has you dead to rights. I'm not the only one who figured out your M.O. -- remember when I turned the folder over to someone who should know, and you couldn't run out of there fast enough? Shit, lady, where was the fire?! GUILTY CONSCIENCE MUCH?! If it were ME -- like you proclaimed it was -- I wouldn't have been so cooperative with the authorities. You MORE than showed your hand. And if there's still a soul out there who believes that you were innocent -- or that I had anything to do with your psychosis -- they're either as dumb as a bucket of paint, or in a SERIOUS state of denial (and those numbers are dwindling by the minute...) . Either way, YOU'RE BUSTED. Cut out the nonsense, before I send someone with a butterfly net to come after you. I'm not perfect -- no one is -- but you know what, I NEVER -- EVER -- would even DREAM of pulling the crap you pulled. It defies ANY level of humanity (forget SANITY). I'm not Catholic -- I'm not even Christian -- but if there's any kind of Hell (or Divine Retribution), I can only hope that you receive it. You have caused SO MUCH PAIN to SO MANY PEOPLE -- including me -- and it's absolutely DESPICABLE that you get off on shit like that.

Which brings me to...

(4) DON'T BOTHER CREATING DRAMA AND THEN TRYING TO PIN IT ON ME. The truth always comes out. And now that everyone's on the defensive -- i.e., tracking your IP's, reporting you to the police, creating a file on you so big that your grandkids will feel it -- how long do you REALLY think it will be before your little game is up...if it hasn't been exposed already? Man, oh man...how stupid do you think everyone is? GIVE UP THE GHOST, YOU IDIOT. It's getting old...older than YOU, even.

(5) DO NOT -- DO NOT -- FORCE ME TO BRING OUT THE REALLY NASTY SIDE OF MYSELF. YOU WOULD NOT LIKE THAT SIDE. In case this blog hasn't been an indicator, if I have something to say, I just come out and say it, either to your face or in a public forum. Ask my family -- I AM known for my HONESTY, but I am NOT known for my TACT. I'm as subtle as a jackhammer. I don't bother with all the COWARDLY bullshit that YOU do -- fake profiles, hacking into other's accounts, physical assault, etc. -- so quit trying to project your shitty qualities onto me. You're not even in the same UNIVERSE, much less the same LEAGUE, as I am. Slowly but surely, I'm getting SUPER annoyed with you. I honored your wishes and stopped going to shows, and yet, you still continued with your histrionic psychodrama. So you know what -- from now on, I do things MY way. I will NOT deny myself a friend or someone I love or even a potential good time and professional opportunity because you're histrionic, psychotic, and bipolar. Deal with it and shut the fuck up. And if I see, hear, or SMELL your drama anywhere near me again, I'll have you thrown in jail. It's that simple.

And finally...

(6) IF I SEE YOU IN PUBLIC, PISS OFF. GO PLAY IN TRAFFIC. DO SOMETHING -- ANYTHING -- JUST STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME. I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU. I DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW THAT YOU EXIST. Save your Evil Black Death Stares for someone who cares. They don't affect me anymore. I don't respond to passive-aggressive ploys...either be nice, or be nasty, and if you choose the latter, fuck off. I no longer have the patience, time, or energy to coddle you insecure little jerks anymore. If you have issues, DEAL WITH THEM. But don't pass them off to me. I'm not a therapist. Go bug someone who cares. I have a grandfather AND a father WHO ARE DYING...DYING, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! WITH THAT IN MIND, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT WHAT YOU THINK, AND WHAT YOU DON'T THINK. HELL, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT IF YOU EVEN KNOW HOW TO THINK (and I'm safely guessing you don't).

Any questions? You know where to find me.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!